The Conversation You Keep Putting Off
- Juan Gonzalez | Cognitura Coaching
- Jun 30
- 3 min read
Most of the leaders I work with know exactly which conversation they're avoiding.
They can name the person. They can describe the issue. In some cases, they've been thinking about it for weeks. And still, they haven't had it.
When I ask why, it's rarely because they don't know what to say. Most leaders know what needs to be said. The issue is something else.
The conversation doesn't go away
The thing about a hard conversation you're putting off is that it doesn't stay where you left it.
A performance issue you haven't addressed eventually becomes a pattern you've accepted. An expectation that was never named becomes resentment on both sides. The longer the gap between when you notice something and when you say something, the more loaded the conversation gets — for you and for the person on the other side.
There's also a cost that's easy to miss in the short term. Research from VitalSmarts puts the price of a single avoided crucial conversation at $7,500 and more than seven lost working days. That's not from a blowup — that's from the drag of something left unspoken.
Why leaders avoid them
The most common explanation is that leaders fear conflict. In my experience, that's not quite right.
Most of the leaders I work with are thinking about the relationship. They're running the math on what happens after: whether the person pulls back, whether trust takes a hit, whether it changes the dynamic in ways that are hard to undo. That calculation makes sense. Those relationships matter. But it tends to underestimate how much the avoidance is already costing the relationship.
The other piece that comes up often — especially with founders and new leaders — is uncertainty about authority. They have the title. They're not always sure what they're entitled to address, or how directly. Uncertainty about how to approach a conversation is a reason to prepare for it, not to delay it.
What changes when you stop waiting
The conversations that feel hardest to start usually feel cleaner once they're done. Not always easier — but cleaner. There's something that settles when a thing that's been sitting unspoken finally gets said.
The other thing that changes is where your attention goes. Avoidance keeps you in a holding pattern — thinking about it, managing around it, noticing it every time you interact with the person. Having the conversation moves you past that, regardless of how it goes.
The how matters. Being specific rather than general. Giving the other person room to respond. Not treating it like a verdict. All of that shapes how a hard conversation lands.
But none of it replaces the first step — deciding to have it.
If you're sitting on something
Think about the specific conversation you've been avoiding. The one with the specific person.
Ask yourself: what would a fair version of this conversation look like? Not the version where you say everything perfectly, but the version where the other person understands what you're saying and has a real chance to respond.
That's where to start. Not in working up the nerve — in getting clear on what you actually need to say.
If you're carrying a conversation like this and not sure how to approach it, I'm glad to think through it with you.
References
VitalSmarts. Crucial Conversations Research: The Cost of Avoided Conversations. vitalsmarts.com
Speakwise. (2026). Workplace Conflict Statistics 2026. speakwiseapp.com
Burchell, M. (2026, June 18). What Avoiding Hard Conversations Really Costs Leaders. michaelburchell.com
TimeCraft Advisory. Why Do Leaders Avoid Difficult Conversations. timecraftadvisory.com
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